


If you would live, and live without fear, you must fight

by BloodyBaroness



Series: Da'nehn Lavellan [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anxiety, Daddy Lavellan was an asshole, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse, Slavery, pavellan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 16:12:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7647793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyBaroness/pseuds/BloodyBaroness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Da'nehn's childhood comes back to him in the night and Dorian is there to comfort him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If you would live, and live without fear, you must fight

**Author's Note:**

> There is a **decription of physical and emotional child abuse** in this, be warned. It's **not very graphic** but enough for clear idea.
> 
> Title from Canticle of Shartan (Shartan 9:7):  
>  _"A dog might slink back to the hand it has bitten_  
>  _And be forgiven, but a slave never._  
>  _If you would live, and live without fear, you must fight."_
> 
> "Tevinter turnip" is an idea borrowed (with permission) from one and only [cherrypikkins](http://cherrypikkins.tumblr.com/) and story behind it can be found [here](http://cherrypikkins.tumblr.com/post/130642873581/what-is-the-reason-behind-you-calling-dorian-a) and [here](http://cherrypikkins.tumblr.com/post/147060421871/pavellan-fun-fact).

"Where did you get this one?"

"Idra stole her mother's knife. We were playing with it and she stabbed me. By accident."

"Undeniably! What about this one?"

"I dropped an arrowhead."

"Are you joking?"

"No. It's just… Senior hunters were training and I got… um… distracted."

"Oh I see! Hahaha, remind me not to be around when you're crafting arrows."

"You're never around anyway since I asked you to help."

"Have you seen these hands Amatus? They are meant for delicate operations! And this?"

"I fell from our aravel, ass first onto a branch."

"Ouch… And your back?"

"Well… I was… It was- was a wolf."

"I… see…"

"What's so interesting about my scars anyway?"

"They tell a story. I simply want to know more about you."

"You want a story? Let me tell you one: once upon a time there was a horny savage elf whose victim couldn't stop twaddling…"

"Oh I think I know how it ends!"

"Yeah? So shut up and come'ere."

***

"Amatus! Da'nehn, wake up!"

Angry face above him slowly turning him around. Fading… It's dark, soft moonlight glimmers through the stained glass. His face is wet. Why?

"Amatus, are you awake?"

Soft, warm voice, worried. Hot palm on his jaw. Here. Now. He breathes. Nods.

"I believe you were having a nightmare."

He nods again.

"Ir abelas…" voice disappears, he must've been screaming. He clears his throat. "I'm sorry I woke you up."

Caring fingers on his jaw, scent of cinnamon, forehead against his temple.  
Here. Now.

"Can you look at me?" Warm breath on his cheek.

He does, eyes glowing in the darkness. Familiar face. Firm curve of cheek, softness of lips, disheveled mustache, a view only for him.

"You were screaming. Are you alright?"

Then. There. Angry face above him, arm in iron grip, slowly turning him around, leather strap…  
No!

Here, now, strong arms cradle his trembling body, warm breath in his hair, soft kisses, silent humming of unknown lullaby. No more questions. He drifts away…

***

The hour was ungodly, barbaric thumping on downstairs door even more so. The elf was sleeping despite those efforts, covered with his blanket to the points of his ears. Dorian moaned with a real pain deep inside. 

Stone floor was so cold his toes curled. Still half asleep the mage made himself barely decent with a loose shirt and slowly took the steps down. Door opened with a shriek worthy of a darkspawn.

Leliana wasn't surprised that it was Dorian who opened the door, his messy image however enkindled a smirk.

"Is the Inquisitor awake?"

"He is sleeping like a dead man I'm afraid. Hard night."

She snorted. Spymaster of Inquisition losing her face like a schoolgirl, what a show.

"Not that!" Dorian snarled. "Nightmares wearied him all night and only now he is getting some rest. Can it wait?"

Leliana squinted at him, but lack of usual smirk and sparkle in his eyes told her he was not lying.

"Please tell him to see me." She said, turning around to walk away. "Thank you Master Pavus." She added when Dorian was closing heavy door behind her. 

Since they started sharing the bed not only for pleasantries, but also for a well deserved rest, they both had episodes of waking each other up with uneasy sleep. But it was the first time Da'nehn's scream has troubled Dorian after dawn. It broke his heart: terrified gaze, trembling body, tears flowing down those cheeks he so loved to tickle with soft kisses and mustache. Freezing feet carried him up the stairs and back to bed. 

Soft locks of golden hair covered the pillow, he couldn't help but smile. Getting rid of loose shirt with one hand he lifted the blanket. Da'nehn's back muscles moved, licked by cool breeze from the window. Dorian was amazed by how much strength this small body held. He tried pulling the hunter's bow once and failed miserably, so it was less of a surprise when his lover could manhandle him with ease in bed, even with the size difference between them. White lines of scars covered elf's back from his shoulder blades down to his loins. A wolf, he said. 

Dorian pressed himself to the warmth, kissing tip of Da'nehn's ear. It twitched.

"Vhenan?" Came from under the locks. 

"Shshsh Amatus, sleep." The mage murmured, covering them both tightly. He felt the elf's body leaning into him, like he wanted to get inside. 

"I lied to you." This was sudden, Dorian's eyes opened, he held his breath, but nothing followed the statement. 

"I know." He admitted finally, stroking elf's side. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

"Ma halani, hold me..." Da'nehn's voice broke, the mage obliged, pulling him close with one arm. He could feel soft trembles.

An eternity has passed before the elf spoke again, Dorian nearly dozed off, but he focused immediately.

"The scars on my back… It was not a wolf…" The voice was calm, almost ice cold. "It was my father."

The mage shivered, his imagination showing him images he did not want to see. He could feel Da'nehn shifting, rolling to face him. Bright blue of elf's eyes contrasted with red veins. Was he crying? Dorian scolded himself for not noticing. 

They lay together for a while in silence. Face to face, Da'nehn's curled form embraced by mage's arm, breathing.

"I was supposed to be born with the gift." Dorian knew he was talking about magic, seen as such by the Dalish, a view closer to home than to southern Chantry. "My father was a mage and my mother had blood of two powerful keepers in her veins."

Breeding a powerful mage was also a concept close to home, but this was less of a pleasure to notice. It was hurtfully close to seeing self as a product.

"I was two when he started teaching me to read, at four I could not eat before I finished arithmetics exercises he gave me."

Dorian took his lover's both hands into his one and squeezed gently. _"I am here, you are safe."_

"Whenever I failed I was… punished." Da'nehn closed his eyes. "He said it builded character."

The mage kept his view on such nonsense to himself.

"Mages need steel spine, he said, demons are always waiting for weak."

The elf opened his eyes again, but looked down, at their entwined hands.

"Maybe broken bones become steel when they heal, I don't know…"

Dorian felt his eyes watering. Broken bones? That man was a sadist no less…

"The gift did not manifest and after me… my mother could not bear more children."

The Iron Bull was screaming at Chargers somewhere below them, the day in Skyhold had started, but time in bedroom on top of it was still.

"When I was ten he caught me training with a bow. That's when… he gave me these. He put me in bed with fever for two weeks."

"Maker…" escaped Dorian's lips.

"He was a powerful mage. Our keeper had to ask for help of her friend from another clan to banish him. Her first was too weak."

"I think they killed him."

Da'nehn pushed himself closer to Dorian's chest, putting his head below his lover's chin. He was trembling again and the mage was speechless. The images kept coming into his head. Crying four years old child over papers, broken bones, bleeding… Mindlessly he slowly caressed white lines on his lover's back. Da'nehn shivered, but leaned to the touch.

"I apologise" Dorian was mad with himself.

"Don't, vhenan…" the elf slipped his palm over mage's neck.

"I reminded you, asking about scars?" Sudden realization hit Dorian like a hammer. "I caused your nightmares…"

Da'nehn pushed himself back to look him in the eyes.

"No vhenan, don't even think like this!" He seemed upset, but why? This was the case. "It was this sorry imitation of a father who did this, not you! You…"

The elf closed his eyes and kissed him, slowly, intimately. The time stopped again.

"You make it all better, ma lath."

"I am a wonder, aren't I." Dorian tried to joke. Surprisingly it worked. Da'nehn smiled, a familiar spark came back to his eyes.

"You have no idea."

***

"Leliana wanted to see you." Dorian said, closing last buckle on his thigh. Da'nehn was brushing his hair with a brush Dorian gave him. As a token of affection, he said, probably tired of getting his fingers tangled in golden knots all the time. 

"I've heard." He admitted. 

"The wonders of elven anatomy." Dorian laughed, taking over the brush and working on the part elf always seemed to miss. 

"You don't know half of it."

"Do you want me to braid it?"

The elf nodded. Dorian has only recently realised they sometimes found more intimacy in moments like this than tangled naked in each other on the bed. He carefully separated hair on elf's fringe and started a tight braid that went all the way to hunter's neck and then to his shoulderblades. 

"You said you knew." Da'nehn said, meeting Dorian's eyes in the mirror. He was twisting off the lid from his kohl jar. "How?"

The mage froze with strands of hair in his hands.

"I have seen such scars." He was avoiding elf's look.

"On slaves?"

Dorian swallowed loudly.

"Vhenan, you are not responsible for slavery in your homeland…"

Such a young, brilliant mind. It was good, the mage thought, that the whole Inquisition happened. Otherwise Da'nehn might have stayed hidden in the forests without anyone knowing how sharp he was.

"I am not ashamed of that Amatus." Dorian's fingers skillfully braided the ends.

"What are you ashamed of then?" The elf looked funny with only one eye darkened with kohl. His lover noticed that he started putting much more thought into shape and even application than when he used black only as help with aiming in the sun.

_"I created a monster…"_ he thought and spoke, leaning over elf's shoulder looking for a strap:  
"I have never thought it wrong." Dorian admitted. "There were always slaves and masters."

"Were you ever shown otherwise? Fenedhis!" Da'nehn hissed fixing a smudge on his cheek.

"Does it matter?"

Satisfied, the hunter stood up, facing Dorian. The mage felt butterflies in his stomach. Such a beautiful man, all his.

"Do you know what I'd known about Tevinter before we met?" Da'nehn crossed his hands on his chest.

"Oh I have no idea. That we are all slavers and evil magisters?"

"Kidnapping our children for blood magic rituals." The elf snorted.

"So?"

"There is no difference vhenan, a prejudice is a prejudice." He shrugged, raising on his tip toes to kiss Dorian's nose. "You could be ashamed had you never learned, after seeing free elves of the Dales, after meeting me, or Sera."

"My learning doesn't change anything…" Dorian said slowly.

"It's a start." Da'nehn's smile was wide, he tipped his head to the side. "Besides, if one Tevinter turnip can learn, maybe more of you can?"

Dorian's lips parted, amazed. Of course he agreed, but being the only Tevinter around (nobody saw Krem as a real Tevinter, he was no mage) he felt like he should expiate all his nation's sins in the eyes of the South.

"Besides, I read about your history." The elf stretched and yawned. "I know what happens to those who try to change Tevinter too quickly."

"Have I ever told you how brilliant you are?" Dorian caught Da'nehn for a brief kiss on the cheek before elf approached his desk to collect letters he wanted to take to Leliana.

"Many times." He laughed. "But do tell me again!"

"Are you mocking me Amatus?" Dorian couldn't hide his amusement.

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!" Da'nehn winked at him and looked down at his desk again. "Thank you vhenan…" He said silently.

"There is no need to…"

"There is." The elf interrupted. "I have never talked about this. I feel lighter."

The door screeched and soft knocking reached them from the stairs.

"Inquisitor are you decent? Can I come up?" Leliana's voice seemed… slightly amused?

"I am never decent my lady, but we're dressed, come on up!"

She snorted and Dorian enjoyed seeing this side of her. He remembered that she said that Da'nehn reminded her of Hero of Ferelden. Maybe he reminded her her adventurous youth?

"I will leave you to your duties then." Dorian bowed before her and winked to Da'nehn.

***

"How are you my lord?" Leliana asked when door closed behind Dorian. She passed a pile of papers to Da'nehn and made herself comfortable at his desk.

"Leliana…" he grimaced.

"Oh fine, fine. Da'nehn! How are you?"

"I am much better, thank you." He smiled apologetically. "I am sorry for the delay…"

"It's nothing. We are all only mortals."

First report brought promising news on their delicate operation in Orlais. 

"Is he… good to you?" She asked suddenly, studying closely the tips of her boots. Unlike the rest of her gear they were richly embroidered.

"I wouldn't make it without him." Da'nehn answered honestly.

They exchanged smiles and came back to work. Maybe it was a coincidence but most of the reports were good, none of their people died that night and there were some promising results in various areas of their secret activities. The stone that fell from Da'nehn's heart vanished and first time in his life he felt free.


End file.
